Spiralling

Trigger warning: death

Hi my dudes,

Welcome back to C'mon C'mon, a newsletter I started about a year ago. We are twelve issues in. This is the thirteenth. The idea behind this newsletter is to keep-on-keeping-on through all the shit life throws at us. Well, this month, I am in need of a C'mon C'mon — 'cause hooooooly fuckkkkkkk there is SO much going on in my head right now.

I'm ONCE AGAIN scrambling to get the newsletter out. Why am I even doing this project? It is supposed to be fun. It feels like a chore. BUT, my stupidy-stupid brain KNOWS that in the long run, this shit is gonna make me happy. This happens with all my stupid little fucking side projects. When I was into making music, I used to hate the stuff I made. Three months later, the same shit sounded so good to me. "Wow, I made that?!".

Last month was a cop out too when I just didn't feel like working on this project. I had so many plans for the one year anniversary edition of CC. I wanted to reflect and jot down things I'd learned. What did I actually do? Nuh-fucking-thing. I turned thirty this month. The big three-oh. My girlfriend travelled all the way from <REDACTED> (far away) for two weeks. We organised a party at my place, invited loads of people from all phases of my life. It was a lot of fun. It would have been nice to write about it. I learned things about 'hosting a party'. I have a note about it, which would make for a good piece of writing. I could have done that for July's issue. I've been messing around with my home server as well. I've made a couple of pieces of 'personal software' that run on this home server. They only exist for one user: me. This month was going to feature stuff about this home lab adventure too. But, is it? NO.

I was prepared to do a proper writing session yesterday. I had an outline ready with things I wanted to talk about. But, then came a sucker punch — cause of course it did. I found out about Glen Hansard's death. Glen, for those who don't know, is was (fucking hell) an Irish musician. He died randomly in a motorcycle crash in Ireland. And Ratik, sitting in India, went for a toss.

Glen is best known for his role in a movie called Once, which came out in 2007. It is a musical and won an Oscar in '07 for best original score. It was made on a shoestring budget with handheld cameras over the span of two weeks. I watched Once with my two best friends, R and H, when we were in college — maybe it was high school? We loved it to bits. Hearing about Glen's death transported me back to this time. It also reminded me of R's death, who introduced us to the film. With all this in my head, I was not gonna sit and write about HEY GUYS THIS IS HOW MY MONTH WAS I HAVE HOBBIES. Fuck that. I instead went to YouTube and watched this performance by Glen, uploaded 14 years ago. It is one hell of a performance. I love it more every time I watch it. So, here I was, listening to dead Glen singing while scrolling through the comments on the video. The comments are filled with folks like me, fans of Glen, back on this video typing out their love. I wrote a comment too. I looped the video a couple of times. Feeling all the feelings. No writing happened.

One year in, I want to be writing about all the things I've learned and achieved from this project. But, instead, I am at a crossroads. Getting the newsletter out each month feels like a chore. Do I want to keep doing this? Why put myself through this? I could instead spend time doing fun things. I have two side projects I am really keen on doing right now. I have SO many books to read, music to listen to, friends to talk to, and movies to watch. And yet, I can't get myself to stop doing the newsletter. I know I will miss it. It's a project I've wanted to do for many years. I don't even know why. It's clearly not for the numbers. There's only a handful of you subscribed. Running this newsletter COSTS me money every month. What do I wish to achieve here?

I'm gonna give the project a few more months. I need to make it fun again. One idea my girlfriend's given me is to start writing these earlier in the month. Maybe writing far away from the deadline will make this a better experience? That's my goal for next month. Wish me luck.

Until then, you too, C'mon C'mon. Watch Once, if you can. Definitely watch this performance.

More soon?

R